breaking out of acting

You create yourself, day by day, moment by moment. Genetics give you the material, surroundings affect what gets formed (not a house of cards if you're in a gale, not an origami masterpiece in a furnace), but living how you choose to live, that is how you shape yourself. Each act is a brushstroke or a sculpting or a chipping away.

Who am I?

There isn't a true self to find, return to, or uncover. I can find my 'true self' if I get out from my pen of fear and doubt and shame, and set out in any direction that looks appealing. And keep going when what I fear twines around me and breathes isolation over me. And keep going when I doubt that my foot will make it another step or that that next step won't be my downfall. And keep going and stay firm when shame at everything I have done or failed to do rises up my gullet, tries to force me to spend a life in penance.

That is how I will create myself. Every step out of my comfort zone is an act of bravery and an act of creation. Myself as human, individual. Always a work in progress.

Self-indulgent as some may view it, I want to write and keep writing this process here. It helps. On screen and on paper, frightening thoughts that usually circle my head like predators turn into small creatures: fear demons, ready for me to taunt or stomp. No power over me now.

This is a journal, not a blog.


I'm Sabrina, 22, Irish, shy and undirectedly energetic, a little in love with the things we can do with technology and intrigued by how people think. I have difficulty thinking of what to put here as sometimes I write with a hostile audience in mind, one that's ready to pick apart whatever way I define myself, and true though it is not, it makes it hard to write anything more than the most concrete basics. I am very honest, and won't lie to a direct question, but becoming open is one of my goals and I feel it's still a long way off.

I've been on LiveJournal for five and a half years now, and one of my favourite things is still meeting new people here. I keep a mostly locked journal here, and write about my feelings, emotions, about recovering from depression and my effort to live a more vibrant and exciting life. If you can relate to that, please do drop me a comment and add me; I'd love to get to know you.





[The Sandman moodtheme I'm using at the moment is by dandelion from obsessiveicons (instructions for getting this moodtheme).]